Very mixed mood.

If i start with facts, been a little unwell the last few days. No, nothing much really. The usual - cough, cold and fever. But, I see it as a big deal coz i took a day's off from office. And thats unusual. So ya. I'm much better now :)

Equations with Nil seem to have reached a moderately cold equilibrium. Where its understood that no one calls us husband and wife, as opposed to our earlier image. Somethings gone amiss. And along with that the fun in our friendship.
*Did you hear me complain ?*

Did something against my own decision earlier this week. Tried calling Vm. In a very wired way. Playing safe, yet getting to hear him. Backfired, ofcourse. What can i say ... I was mising him. And the conversations. And craving for his touch, not knowing what it feels like. Trying to weave some reality into the fantasy he'd created for me. But something in the covo still hurt, still pinched still left unspoken agitation. Is that what repels me, or attracts me ? Is that precisely why he is so irresistible to me? Why i still want a little more... something from the so called relationship. Something half said, something ... somewhere between us. Something left incomplete.
My indecision lies in the fact that i dont believe what i did was wrong. My call. My decision. To stop talking. I dont know. Was i supposed to understand the random need to speak to me. The sudden cold voice. And the distance. And the insecurity, the love you couldnt give me. The commitment i needed ? Yes, the one i didn't get.
Or was it too early to ask all these questions. Was it too early to find answers. To understand a relationship undefined. Was i too harsh ? Or too demanding ? Or simply too much like th several girls you ve seen in your life ? Is that all i will be, another name in the list of girls ...

For me, you will be one more name. A name i loved seeing on my phone. Spelt with a "mm" at the end. A voice that was my comfort, my joy ride and teacher. Of stuff that matters to me. Of passions that define you. You will be special. Just as you were then. I hold the men in my life very dear. And you were a special part. And an integral part, to me being me ... today.

I dont know if i will call you again. I can't say i hope i will, and i cant believe the other.
I dont know why, i keep trying to bury my a part of myself along with memories. Strangely, that precisely my weakness, my inability to let go or forget. And still my decision is always as abrupt and always the same.

Did i mention, I am strange ?