I think im broken. And I think im torn.
And just when I need certain people, they are not here for me.

I wish I could cease to exist. Because sometimes its too much to take. And sometimes the tears don’t stop, the eyes get swollen and the head hurts too much.
Sometimes I wish tomorrow wouldn’t come.

Is it possible to miss more than one person at a time? Is it possible … to long for more than one person, at the same time?

Yet again was lost in the past. The evenings of conversations and care. The kind that makes you feel special, loved … O! it’s a feeling … long time back. I’m longing for that voice, and the placating effect of it. Will I ever forget the minute details of that attraction? And then 9th august and 3rd November in itself. The fragrance … and taste of these evenings on my lips. O! Will this memory always extend from beauty to regret? From the purest of feelings, to a sinful degree of lust? Will my most treasured memory always conclude in disgust? I wish there were answers … yes, answers to questions no one knows. It was never love. When will I stop fooling myself?

Talking about longing, it was an evening tinged with fleeting comfort from Vm. Every conversation with him begins looking for something, and concludes with tears. Have I changed, or have you changed Vm? Is it that I now long for certain individuality, and self esteem, I didn’t know of earlier ? Wishes remain wishes and change, undeniable.

The smell mu leaves behind with a passing glance or without, drives me crazy. And I crave for some attention from him, maybe a slight touch, a wink, a pinch, or a compliment. You’ve moved on Mu, to some other girl, someone more attractive I’m sure, and someone … less protected by a fierce set of friends.
* On a lighter note, having been in a relationship with Mu, Sh put up a dog on her pin up board, as she says, symbolizing “no more dogs welcome”. To let him know, she put up a similar one on mine, “stay off her” she means. *
Do I want him to … is the question.

Having said this, maybe you are right Vm. I am not in a position to talk about lovers. And the possibility of lovers being friends once they attain the title of ex-lovers.

Hmm… been there not done that.

And yes, I might as well add, I know what it is to love, and atleast I have that to give, in all honesty. What I don’t know is the feeling of being loved. And that … is because I’ve met guys who don’t have love to give. All they have is big mouths and a lot of lust.

Which makes me wonder what is love, and if at all it exists ?

i seem to be discovering new meanings to the word lonely.

i'm losing faith in people, im losing faith in the world. i don't want this world to make me harsh and selfish. the more i look around me the more i see indifference, or at the most a malicious interest in others life. i Hate working in this organisation. and i have no one to fall back on in this city. love is only a casual word and flirting equivalent to talking.

i feel like im falling,and there is no branch to hold onto. im losing belief ... how will religion help me? im lost in this world of hysteria, an environment of dirt, of politics.
its the feeling you get when you are watching television and the cable fellows electricity goes off. the screen turns into a mesh of black and white lines in random motion.
i see that, i hear that, i feel that. and its grating into me to the core.

will somebody please take the the remote and switch the channel ?
or could you please switch off the tv ?

Very mixed mood.

If i start with facts, been a little unwell the last few days. No, nothing much really. The usual - cough, cold and fever. But, I see it as a big deal coz i took a day's off from office. And thats unusual. So ya. I'm much better now :)

Equations with Nil seem to have reached a moderately cold equilibrium. Where its understood that no one calls us husband and wife, as opposed to our earlier image. Somethings gone amiss. And along with that the fun in our friendship.
*Did you hear me complain ?*

Did something against my own decision earlier this week. Tried calling Vm. In a very wired way. Playing safe, yet getting to hear him. Backfired, ofcourse. What can i say ... I was mising him. And the conversations. And craving for his touch, not knowing what it feels like. Trying to weave some reality into the fantasy he'd created for me. But something in the covo still hurt, still pinched still left unspoken agitation. Is that what repels me, or attracts me ? Is that precisely why he is so irresistible to me? Why i still want a little more... something from the so called relationship. Something half said, something ... somewhere between us. Something left incomplete.
My indecision lies in the fact that i dont believe what i did was wrong. My call. My decision. To stop talking. I dont know. Was i supposed to understand the random need to speak to me. The sudden cold voice. And the distance. And the insecurity, the love you couldnt give me. The commitment i needed ? Yes, the one i didn't get.
Or was it too early to ask all these questions. Was it too early to find answers. To understand a relationship undefined. Was i too harsh ? Or too demanding ? Or simply too much like th several girls you ve seen in your life ? Is that all i will be, another name in the list of girls ...

For me, you will be one more name. A name i loved seeing on my phone. Spelt with a "mm" at the end. A voice that was my comfort, my joy ride and teacher. Of stuff that matters to me. Of passions that define you. You will be special. Just as you were then. I hold the men in my life very dear. And you were a special part. And an integral part, to me being me ... today.

I dont know if i will call you again. I can't say i hope i will, and i cant believe the other.
I dont know why, i keep trying to bury my a part of myself along with memories. Strangely, that precisely my weakness, my inability to let go or forget. And still my decision is always as abrupt and always the same.

Did i mention, I am strange ?