Tomorrow will be the last day of this year. Last day and last night of the most eventful year i have seen so far. A year that started with tears and helplessness now seems to come to an end. On a more reflective and maybe, a little mature understanding of people, or maybe.. just maybe a little better understanding of me. But the problem is, with the passing of another year, my feelings and thoughts seem to have become complex by x + 365.

Why am i evaluating myself on 31st December ? what significance does it hold ... nothing. Except we chose it as an end, and a beginning. So nothing in particular. Just like any other ordinary day, except i think its time to think back.
Now, talking about thinking back, you know... if we don’t stop to think we can simply keep living, happily, on and on. Its when we stop to think and reflect, thats when we begin the whole convolutions of thought. Of self analysis, and of wondering what happened, and Why ?

I ve shifted 3 cities this year. Smoked too often. Got sloshed more than once. Discovered office politics. Endured office politics. Kissed. Liked a married guy. Partied. Lost touch with college friends. Been through depression. Cried. Laughed. Been alone in crowds. Loved being alone. Got my first job. Lost my first love. Met several people off the net. Closed the door on 3 of them. The best.

Realised myself in them. Lost that part with them. Woman, girl, child. Seen my alter egos. In their voice, their words and touch. ‘their’ ! i talk of them in plural, though none could compare with the other. all 3 of you. have been very special to me. in your own ways. Need i explain that? Maybe i do. Because it's over.

Sometimes i wish they were reading this blog. Sometimes i wish ... they knew, i didn’t hurt anyone intentionally. All i did was self preservation. Sometimes i wish ... they knew what each one of them meant to me, individually. And that i haven’t, cant and wont ever forget them, and the relationship i shared with each one of them.

Sometimes i wish ...

Its been an eventful year.
I have my resolutions and hopes for next year all set.
But that will come in a separate post.

Till then ...

It's over ... i guess.


No, it's over. Again.

Once more, i face the dead end, yes, the end before the turn.
The decision before the realisation, again. As i lose one more person in my life, i'll face the fact. i'm not ready to love, yet.

With all the mess thats happening in office, i'll add another setback.

Being alone is killing me. And it's brought back my weakness, my classic milds.
It's been a horrible day. And a terrible evening. This time a teary one. A time of feeling al alone. Of having no ne beside me. No family, no friends. And no phone calls. Seems like the attention for me is wearing off. In a way i am gad Nil. I guess i was getting too dependent on you. And i know it wouldn't last. I dont deserve you, and you don't deserve me. It's time we stopped this before i lose a great friend in you.

Talking about friends, I seem to have lost one in Sr. Not that i cared very much about her. It's just that she seems to have stopped talking to me because of a guy. Believing what he told her about me. And that, is crazy ! It also makes things difficult for Kr. and Mal. Especially when you are leaving Mal. I ll miss you terribly. My first friend i office, and by far my best one here. It's gonna be lonely without you Mal. I wish you werent going. Irrespective of all the politcs you played, and the number of people you got into trouble. O Mal... i'll so miss you. Aur kya kahoon ...

It's a sad evening today ...

Innocence lost, maturity not gained.
I wonder where I lie ...

I don't belong.

Been very on and off.
Today I realized why. 45 days reduced to 20 ?
I don’t know which is worse
…

Life has been a mess. Pretty much screwed up at office. Mu seems hell bent on ruining my reputation. And I seem determined to prove him right. It’s getting nasty. I want to alienate myself from me.

Still don’t know what to feel for Nil, coz I cant figure out if what I am feeling is of my own accord, or out of being told again and again.

Watched my first cd of porn yesterday.
Quite an interesting experience ! Unfortunately for me, it was soft porn; and couldn’t enlighten me as much as I expected it to. *wink*

Too much idle time in the factory yesterday. Spent most of it reliving 3rd November.

Everyday is like a prolonged moment. Everyday is the same. Nothing to look forward to, waiting to skip the day.

“kho naa jaaye ye … tare zameen par”

It's been long. Quite.

Busy weekend. Work, partying. Drinks n smoke. Late nights. My first late night in bombay actually. Starnge. It took me 6 months to come home past 1:30 in bombay, lesser in bangalore.

Being high on saturday was good. High, not drunk. Apologised, and meant it, sincerely.
It was quite a 'guy' day really. Nil called up, from ludhiana. Surprise :)
Heard about me, from Kr, what Mu told Sh. Extremely disgusted.
Was made out to be quite a slut. I'm not blaming no one. I behaved like one.
If I don't think about what he talks about me, I can still feel the pull towards him. Thankfully, I do think about what he's been speaking. And all the time he winks at me, and stares till I blush.
I can be strong now, I guess. And ignore him.

Woke up quite exhausted on sunday. And monday was was even worse. Was so terribly exhausted after very long.
Maybe it was the travelling from powai to juhu, then the day at juhu itself, and then juhu to malad, and malad to dadar. All with tons of weight and an empty house ahead. After ages, cried my self to sleep, exhausted sleep.

I have no idea where it's going with Nil. He's back tomorrow from delhi. Can't wait :) and yet wish to delay it every moment.

Ad, you were right. I'm not ready to love yet. All I've experienced is lust. And attraction. And infatuation.

Sometimes, sometimes I wish I wasn't here, or there. Sometimes, I wish I was nowhere.

I don’t know what I’m doing. With my body, with my life.

The pull for Mu seems to only grow stronger. As the blush of my skin grows deeper with his gaze. And my eyes search him from the first scent of his smell.

“aapki aankhon se
ajab si kashish hai

jo kheenche humme
aapki khushboo ki or

khaamosh si aahat hai
dil bechain hai

ab anjaan hain sab
humari kashmakash se”

It’s wrong. The sooner I accept it the better. And he’s a gambler. Playing. With minds, with bodies. With professions.
I have a lot at stake here.

I see Ni l can be quite charming. And he seems to be at his best.

I’m confused. And I feel more slutty than I’ve ever felt before.

All I hope is it doesn’t end in self hatred.

Been discovering new meanings to the word lonely everyday.

When i come back from office and think about my day, i wish i had someone to talk to. about the minor details of my life. Someone who would be interested in my life, well, almost as interested as me.
I think i need love, and lots of it, and soon.

They say, if you really want something, with all your heart, the entire universe conspires in helping you achieve it. I don't see that happening with me. The more i want something, the more helpless i am forced to become in achieving it. I feel i'm being tested everyday, to see how much of this craving i can take before breaking down.
Like i just told Su, i think we ve been deprived for too long.

Maybe he is simply a major content for this blog for the same reason. Because he's the only memory of love i've felt. Memory, not anticipation.

Why do i chase love away?
And attract men who want me. Physically.

I wonder why this blog is getting to be all about men. I think i am very lonely right now.

And wondering how things went wrong. With Vm. With Jn.

What happens when someone likes you, and likes you much more than you like them. Or could give them? Does that make you a sinner?

And then you like someone. And that someone cant give you. Does that make him the sinner?

If its all about loving someone, and love is all about the intensity of the feeling, and the feeling about expecting nothing in return, why does it still hurt?


Today its the image of the pool table, and the window. The grafitti on the wall and the cigarette.
Yet somewhere within this image. From the body leaning by the window, the hand holding the cigarette i hear him say.

Maybe some years down i ll smile and read this blog. Maybe few years later, the name wont vibrate in me with his thought. Maybe. Few years later.

"naam gum jaayega
chehra ye badal jaayega

meri awaaz hi pehchaan hai
gar, yaad rahe"

You see, it all started with the voice.

1 month.
Since, him. SinceThe evening. Since The night. Been thinking of The place. Consciously. Sub-consciously. Of the light, the table, the magazine, the equipment. Trying to focus on everything. Except him. In that place, facing that light. Everything. Except those eyes. Everything. Except that voice.

1 month.
The sound of his words, on my lips. The touch of his voice, on my skin. The reflection of his eyes, in mine. And his smell, in me.
1 month.
And I still feel his body against mine.

1 month.
Of realization. Of trying. Of being strong. Of surrender.

Na use bhool payungi, Na use bhoolna chahti hoon.

Mann mera aaj kuch bechain sa thehra hai.