Another upset evening. Another visit to the doctor. Another change of medicine. Again, alone.

Roomies were in their capacity absolute sweethearts. Walking off to mahim to hunt for some interesting dinner *smiles*. The problem is they don’t have much in their capacity.

Long conversation with Sw yesterday. After forever. Take care girl. At a time when right is exactly what is wrong I ve never met anyone stronger than you. And strong is not what you ll think it to be. It’s about the person, and for that you ll have to know her.

I love my family doctor :) his medicines have never failed to work on me :)) Moral of the story : I’m feeling slightly better !

Ml is in the hospital, and I’m worried about her. Take care Mal. I’m praying for a quick recovery. Hugs.

Work is – so far so good.

Still wishing he loved me. and that’s my deepest secret right now. Love you guy.

See you tomorrow !

Hugs and kisses to me :)
(I cant believe how corny I’m getting ;) )

:P

Feeling too low to write, actually just feeling too much, and at the same time, nothing at all.

If i was talking about being lonely earlier, trust me I didn't know the feeling. Like I mentioned, the boils back, and in better form. Its swollen, red and hurting. And me not likes ! I'm on antibiotics, 6 medicines to be precise and an ointment and forced to wear salwar kameez till I'm brave enough to let denim touch the infection.

But thats not the issue really. It's about being alone. Through pain. And no one to hug or hold me. Thats lonely. I wish I had my family, or a loved one. For whom my pain would be distressing. Who would bring me a warm glass of milk and put me to bed. And I would sleep soundly, knowing that someone's there. I can't really define what that someone could do, or shoud do. Just, I need someone who cares for me, sincerely. Not simply because I'm a roommate or a colleague.

Me wants someone here, in Bombay, with me.

On a happier note, today's thought for the day leaves me highly optimistic :)

Happiness is like a Radio Station,
It will broadcast all the time.
You just have to learn how to TUNE IN & RECEIVE IT.

Pretty, no?

:)

3 days. And I missed being here. Its been quite an eventful 3 days with my several emotional highs and lows.

Friday began with a hectic looking day in office. I was borrowed for mundane work to be completed by another department. I didn’t mind really. Partly because such things just don’t affect my ego and partly, because it was Mu’s work. The day was spent in mild irritation and hurriedness. The whole troublesome factor was their team boss. Who kept hovering over us. But then, I thoroughly enjoyed making him run around. Extremely panicky as he is, I kept him on his toes updating him on what all was missing. **evil grin**

So the day passed by in this and that, mood offs and grumbles, jokes, anger and quite a lot of bitching ;)

After quite some contemplation on my mood swings, I decided I was safe to go to my cousins place. It was a rather unusual evening spent as a listener to office problems on the phone. And a somewhat silent noise within. And a desire to talk to no one in particular, actually no one at all.

Chalo, phir subah uthey kuch waise hi bechaini se.
Was working on a Saturday that was off. But again, im not complaining. I’m happy as long as I’m busy. It was a great welcome for me at the factory. Going there after close to 2 and half months ! Sh anna with his always welcoming smile and bottle of maaza, saying how he missed getting maaza for me on those hot afternoons when I’d come exhausted to the factory with 30 odd samples ! all the masters and even the kaarigar who I harassed to finish my button holes during sampling :) the lady who used to do the marking for my buttons, smiling at me. and blushing and asking me for the skirt I promised her if she’d wear it for me :) (knowing she’s the salwar kameez clad- dupatta pinned – not talking to the males – girl.!) An master calling me to the other gala because one of the girls there was asking for me, wondering if I’d left because “aap ko itne dino se nahin dekha, humme laga aapne chhod diya !”
Amid all the politics and tension and irritation this was a mild relief for me :)

But by evening, I just don’t know what happened. I was completely off. That’s it. I mean silent. I mean… off.
The highlight of the evening was my trip to the chemist. A colleague, rather a dear brother in office was getting married on 25th. And we decided to be helpful enough to give him ‘condoms’. It was easy really. As easy as buying sanitary napkins actually. When you know the brand and the size of the pack you want to buy. As easy as going upto the guy behind the counter and saying “I want a pack of kamasutra”. It gives some kind of a kick. To be able to do this without hesitation, without feeling yuck or feeling embarrassed.
The rest of the evening passed of as morose as it started. *sigh*
I hate PMS :’(

Sunday was relatively better. Was too caught up in getting ready for Ut’s wedding. And co-ordinating with the rest of the gang to meet up at dadar station ! and trust me, that is a task in itself. And we had to go to kalian. So now, we were already late, and missed the 10:36 fast because of wrong indicators (it said 12car wen it was 9, grrr). So when thenext train arrived we packed ourselves in irrespective of it being a general compartment. Now, you must understand, general means gents compartment. So we squeezed in, bearing the gazes but avoiding their hands and dicks. Kalyan ! its like a mini village !! the wedding was good. Im so glad I went, coz it was my dear brother uttsy :)
What bothered me most was the return journey, which again was in the general compartment. And this time it was horrible. Men, pressing and staring. The worst was when we were getting down. About 30 people getting down at dadar, and among all these men us 3 girls. Felt up and shaken.

Accompanied roomie N to phoenix to shop for her boyfriends birthday. Felt slightly lonely then. Wish …

Been thinking of him. And silently shedding tears.

Its been 23 days since I quit. And I intend to keep it up !

That’s it from me. back to office today and back to helping the boss who cant move his finger forget his ass.

My boils back. And hurting.

Im getting extremely grumpy.
*sigh*

Was such a hectic day ! with deadlines brought forward and boss in office after a days sick leave. And then there was Mu. Who kept distracting me. Anyways, seems like tomorrows day will be spent in his company completing some mundane, time consuming work for him. But, im not complaining.

Office seems to take priority with nothing else to do in the late evenings. Life starts when office begins and ends with the same. Been sitting in office late, to avoid being alone at home or with roommates I somehow don’t want to entertain.

The world suddenly seems extremely bitchy. Kr, Ml, Sh, the awesome girl band in office suddenly bitches about one another to me. Who do I trust? Too scared to talk about anyone to anyone.



In this 4 minute phone break while writing this a thread is lost. My moods suddenly a little screwed.
Off then.

Mu looks good. And smells even better. I love the feeling I get from the smell of a guy. And especially when it’s a constant, unchanging smell. I love his touch, so evasive in its longing. And so calculatedly cautious. I love his eyes when he tells me, that I’m beautiful. And his mischievous smile when I blush.
I’m scared of where it can lead me. I know it wont go beyond the stolen glances.
He’s married.
Mu, you are a bastard.

- did i mention, he's better with all girls.

Everyone has an opinion. I get that. These opinions are not in synchronization with mine. I get that too. But just sometimes, it doesn’t feel good to get a reaction; when you don’t want it, don’t need it, and most importantly, don’t ask for it.
The great part about this phase for me is nothing stays long with me. It’s a numb passing. Where I’m actually lost and don’t realize as morning turns to evening and evening to night. Time loses its pace into a prolonged moment. Well, hmm.

But that works only in my feelings for me.

I hate office politics. I hate telling people this. They look at me and smirk, and with their superior air look down at me like what will you know. Too naïve and fresh in this corporate world. True. I agree. And I’m happy learning by myself.. I know I’m 22. Then why should I talk with the experience of 27 year olds? Odd, I say. *bewildered*

So, politics. And friends. I cant separate friends in office as friends in office. And that makes life a little emotionally challenging. It feels like I’m learning new ways of the human mind. And new self preservation measures. It reveals the weaknesses of the ones around me. And their complexes. And then I don’t know whether I should be angry with them or simply sympathise. You see, its not always good for one to be understanding.

my voice

There have been days when I want to talk, and I want someone to listen. And there have been words to say and people who’ll listen. But, I don’t.

So I decided, its time to start my personal diary blog. Where someone will listen, yet no one will know. Because I’m not unhappy and I don’t want to prove it. Because today, I’m at peace with myself and I don’t want to explain it. Because I’ve loved, and still do. And because this fact bothers too many people. For too many reasons, subconscious and some obvious. And because I’ve promised that it’s over, for everyone else. That they wont hear me mention it, again. And because there are moments when I’m too overwhelmed - to be happy, or unhappy.
So this is me. Irrespective of my name.

This is my grey area. Of my failings and weaknesses and my little triumphs and my proud moments. This is my proud father and sensitive mother, my caring sister and my protective brother. My friends who love me. This is everything I wanted, just the way I want it.

Because I live in my dream world. Where I can’t see certain people unhappy. Because I can’t take people who are unfair. My world is not perfect, but in my world, my people are happy. And loved. And they love too. But everyone can’t be the way I want them to, when I want them to. I understand this. I wont expect you to. But what about you? Why do my people tell me to be happy? And when I’m happy, believe I’m happy for the wrong reasons. For loving. And for not expecting love in return.

Life’s unfair. And that bothers me no end.

I’ll sign off now. I’m not depressed or irritated or confused. I simply don’t know why people can’t read the writing on the wall.