Tomorrow will be the last day of this year. Last day and last night of the most eventful year i have seen so far. A year that started with tears and helplessness now seems to come to an end. On a more reflective and maybe, a little mature understanding of people, or maybe.. just maybe a little better understanding of me. But the problem is, with the passing of another year, my feelings and thoughts seem to have become complex by x + 365.

Why am i evaluating myself on 31st December ? what significance does it hold ... nothing. Except we chose it as an end, and a beginning. So nothing in particular. Just like any other ordinary day, except i think its time to think back.
Now, talking about thinking back, you know... if we don’t stop to think we can simply keep living, happily, on and on. Its when we stop to think and reflect, thats when we begin the whole convolutions of thought. Of self analysis, and of wondering what happened, and Why ?

I ve shifted 3 cities this year. Smoked too often. Got sloshed more than once. Discovered office politics. Endured office politics. Kissed. Liked a married guy. Partied. Lost touch with college friends. Been through depression. Cried. Laughed. Been alone in crowds. Loved being alone. Got my first job. Lost my first love. Met several people off the net. Closed the door on 3 of them. The best.

Realised myself in them. Lost that part with them. Woman, girl, child. Seen my alter egos. In their voice, their words and touch. ‘their’ ! i talk of them in plural, though none could compare with the other. all 3 of you. have been very special to me. in your own ways. Need i explain that? Maybe i do. Because it's over.

Sometimes i wish they were reading this blog. Sometimes i wish ... they knew, i didn’t hurt anyone intentionally. All i did was self preservation. Sometimes i wish ... they knew what each one of them meant to me, individually. And that i haven’t, cant and wont ever forget them, and the relationship i shared with each one of them.

Sometimes i wish ...

Its been an eventful year.
I have my resolutions and hopes for next year all set.
But that will come in a separate post.

Till then ...

It's over ... i guess.


No, it's over. Again.

Once more, i face the dead end, yes, the end before the turn.
The decision before the realisation, again. As i lose one more person in my life, i'll face the fact. i'm not ready to love, yet.

With all the mess thats happening in office, i'll add another setback.

Being alone is killing me. And it's brought back my weakness, my classic milds.
It's been a horrible day. And a terrible evening. This time a teary one. A time of feeling al alone. Of having no ne beside me. No family, no friends. And no phone calls. Seems like the attention for me is wearing off. In a way i am gad Nil. I guess i was getting too dependent on you. And i know it wouldn't last. I dont deserve you, and you don't deserve me. It's time we stopped this before i lose a great friend in you.

Talking about friends, I seem to have lost one in Sr. Not that i cared very much about her. It's just that she seems to have stopped talking to me because of a guy. Believing what he told her about me. And that, is crazy ! It also makes things difficult for Kr. and Mal. Especially when you are leaving Mal. I ll miss you terribly. My first friend i office, and by far my best one here. It's gonna be lonely without you Mal. I wish you werent going. Irrespective of all the politcs you played, and the number of people you got into trouble. O Mal... i'll so miss you. Aur kya kahoon ...

It's a sad evening today ...

Innocence lost, maturity not gained.
I wonder where I lie ...

I don't belong.

Been very on and off.
Today I realized why. 45 days reduced to 20 ?
I don’t know which is worse
…

Life has been a mess. Pretty much screwed up at office. Mu seems hell bent on ruining my reputation. And I seem determined to prove him right. It’s getting nasty. I want to alienate myself from me.

Still don’t know what to feel for Nil, coz I cant figure out if what I am feeling is of my own accord, or out of being told again and again.

Watched my first cd of porn yesterday.
Quite an interesting experience ! Unfortunately for me, it was soft porn; and couldn’t enlighten me as much as I expected it to. *wink*

Too much idle time in the factory yesterday. Spent most of it reliving 3rd November.

Everyday is like a prolonged moment. Everyday is the same. Nothing to look forward to, waiting to skip the day.

“kho naa jaaye ye … tare zameen par”

It's been long. Quite.

Busy weekend. Work, partying. Drinks n smoke. Late nights. My first late night in bombay actually. Starnge. It took me 6 months to come home past 1:30 in bombay, lesser in bangalore.

Being high on saturday was good. High, not drunk. Apologised, and meant it, sincerely.
It was quite a 'guy' day really. Nil called up, from ludhiana. Surprise :)
Heard about me, from Kr, what Mu told Sh. Extremely disgusted.
Was made out to be quite a slut. I'm not blaming no one. I behaved like one.
If I don't think about what he talks about me, I can still feel the pull towards him. Thankfully, I do think about what he's been speaking. And all the time he winks at me, and stares till I blush.
I can be strong now, I guess. And ignore him.

Woke up quite exhausted on sunday. And monday was was even worse. Was so terribly exhausted after very long.
Maybe it was the travelling from powai to juhu, then the day at juhu itself, and then juhu to malad, and malad to dadar. All with tons of weight and an empty house ahead. After ages, cried my self to sleep, exhausted sleep.

I have no idea where it's going with Nil. He's back tomorrow from delhi. Can't wait :) and yet wish to delay it every moment.

Ad, you were right. I'm not ready to love yet. All I've experienced is lust. And attraction. And infatuation.

Sometimes, sometimes I wish I wasn't here, or there. Sometimes, I wish I was nowhere.

I don’t know what I’m doing. With my body, with my life.

The pull for Mu seems to only grow stronger. As the blush of my skin grows deeper with his gaze. And my eyes search him from the first scent of his smell.

“aapki aankhon se
ajab si kashish hai

jo kheenche humme
aapki khushboo ki or

khaamosh si aahat hai
dil bechain hai

ab anjaan hain sab
humari kashmakash se”

It’s wrong. The sooner I accept it the better. And he’s a gambler. Playing. With minds, with bodies. With professions.
I have a lot at stake here.

I see Ni l can be quite charming. And he seems to be at his best.

I’m confused. And I feel more slutty than I’ve ever felt before.

All I hope is it doesn’t end in self hatred.

Been discovering new meanings to the word lonely everyday.

When i come back from office and think about my day, i wish i had someone to talk to. about the minor details of my life. Someone who would be interested in my life, well, almost as interested as me.
I think i need love, and lots of it, and soon.

They say, if you really want something, with all your heart, the entire universe conspires in helping you achieve it. I don't see that happening with me. The more i want something, the more helpless i am forced to become in achieving it. I feel i'm being tested everyday, to see how much of this craving i can take before breaking down.
Like i just told Su, i think we ve been deprived for too long.

Maybe he is simply a major content for this blog for the same reason. Because he's the only memory of love i've felt. Memory, not anticipation.

Why do i chase love away?
And attract men who want me. Physically.

I wonder why this blog is getting to be all about men. I think i am very lonely right now.

And wondering how things went wrong. With Vm. With Jn.

What happens when someone likes you, and likes you much more than you like them. Or could give them? Does that make you a sinner?

And then you like someone. And that someone cant give you. Does that make him the sinner?

If its all about loving someone, and love is all about the intensity of the feeling, and the feeling about expecting nothing in return, why does it still hurt?


Today its the image of the pool table, and the window. The grafitti on the wall and the cigarette.
Yet somewhere within this image. From the body leaning by the window, the hand holding the cigarette i hear him say.

Maybe some years down i ll smile and read this blog. Maybe few years later, the name wont vibrate in me with his thought. Maybe. Few years later.

"naam gum jaayega
chehra ye badal jaayega

meri awaaz hi pehchaan hai
gar, yaad rahe"

You see, it all started with the voice.

1 month.
Since, him. SinceThe evening. Since The night. Been thinking of The place. Consciously. Sub-consciously. Of the light, the table, the magazine, the equipment. Trying to focus on everything. Except him. In that place, facing that light. Everything. Except those eyes. Everything. Except that voice.

1 month.
The sound of his words, on my lips. The touch of his voice, on my skin. The reflection of his eyes, in mine. And his smell, in me.
1 month.
And I still feel his body against mine.

1 month.
Of realization. Of trying. Of being strong. Of surrender.

Na use bhool payungi, Na use bhoolna chahti hoon.

Mann mera aaj kuch bechain sa thehra hai.

Another upset evening. Another visit to the doctor. Another change of medicine. Again, alone.

Roomies were in their capacity absolute sweethearts. Walking off to mahim to hunt for some interesting dinner *smiles*. The problem is they don’t have much in their capacity.

Long conversation with Sw yesterday. After forever. Take care girl. At a time when right is exactly what is wrong I ve never met anyone stronger than you. And strong is not what you ll think it to be. It’s about the person, and for that you ll have to know her.

I love my family doctor :) his medicines have never failed to work on me :)) Moral of the story : I’m feeling slightly better !

Ml is in the hospital, and I’m worried about her. Take care Mal. I’m praying for a quick recovery. Hugs.

Work is – so far so good.

Still wishing he loved me. and that’s my deepest secret right now. Love you guy.

See you tomorrow !

Hugs and kisses to me :)
(I cant believe how corny I’m getting ;) )

:P

Feeling too low to write, actually just feeling too much, and at the same time, nothing at all.

If i was talking about being lonely earlier, trust me I didn't know the feeling. Like I mentioned, the boils back, and in better form. Its swollen, red and hurting. And me not likes ! I'm on antibiotics, 6 medicines to be precise and an ointment and forced to wear salwar kameez till I'm brave enough to let denim touch the infection.

But thats not the issue really. It's about being alone. Through pain. And no one to hug or hold me. Thats lonely. I wish I had my family, or a loved one. For whom my pain would be distressing. Who would bring me a warm glass of milk and put me to bed. And I would sleep soundly, knowing that someone's there. I can't really define what that someone could do, or shoud do. Just, I need someone who cares for me, sincerely. Not simply because I'm a roommate or a colleague.

Me wants someone here, in Bombay, with me.

On a happier note, today's thought for the day leaves me highly optimistic :)

Happiness is like a Radio Station,
It will broadcast all the time.
You just have to learn how to TUNE IN & RECEIVE IT.

Pretty, no?

:)

3 days. And I missed being here. Its been quite an eventful 3 days with my several emotional highs and lows.

Friday began with a hectic looking day in office. I was borrowed for mundane work to be completed by another department. I didn’t mind really. Partly because such things just don’t affect my ego and partly, because it was Mu’s work. The day was spent in mild irritation and hurriedness. The whole troublesome factor was their team boss. Who kept hovering over us. But then, I thoroughly enjoyed making him run around. Extremely panicky as he is, I kept him on his toes updating him on what all was missing. **evil grin**

So the day passed by in this and that, mood offs and grumbles, jokes, anger and quite a lot of bitching ;)

After quite some contemplation on my mood swings, I decided I was safe to go to my cousins place. It was a rather unusual evening spent as a listener to office problems on the phone. And a somewhat silent noise within. And a desire to talk to no one in particular, actually no one at all.

Chalo, phir subah uthey kuch waise hi bechaini se.
Was working on a Saturday that was off. But again, im not complaining. I’m happy as long as I’m busy. It was a great welcome for me at the factory. Going there after close to 2 and half months ! Sh anna with his always welcoming smile and bottle of maaza, saying how he missed getting maaza for me on those hot afternoons when I’d come exhausted to the factory with 30 odd samples ! all the masters and even the kaarigar who I harassed to finish my button holes during sampling :) the lady who used to do the marking for my buttons, smiling at me. and blushing and asking me for the skirt I promised her if she’d wear it for me :) (knowing she’s the salwar kameez clad- dupatta pinned – not talking to the males – girl.!) An master calling me to the other gala because one of the girls there was asking for me, wondering if I’d left because “aap ko itne dino se nahin dekha, humme laga aapne chhod diya !”
Amid all the politics and tension and irritation this was a mild relief for me :)

But by evening, I just don’t know what happened. I was completely off. That’s it. I mean silent. I mean… off.
The highlight of the evening was my trip to the chemist. A colleague, rather a dear brother in office was getting married on 25th. And we decided to be helpful enough to give him ‘condoms’. It was easy really. As easy as buying sanitary napkins actually. When you know the brand and the size of the pack you want to buy. As easy as going upto the guy behind the counter and saying “I want a pack of kamasutra”. It gives some kind of a kick. To be able to do this without hesitation, without feeling yuck or feeling embarrassed.
The rest of the evening passed of as morose as it started. *sigh*
I hate PMS :’(

Sunday was relatively better. Was too caught up in getting ready for Ut’s wedding. And co-ordinating with the rest of the gang to meet up at dadar station ! and trust me, that is a task in itself. And we had to go to kalian. So now, we were already late, and missed the 10:36 fast because of wrong indicators (it said 12car wen it was 9, grrr). So when thenext train arrived we packed ourselves in irrespective of it being a general compartment. Now, you must understand, general means gents compartment. So we squeezed in, bearing the gazes but avoiding their hands and dicks. Kalyan ! its like a mini village !! the wedding was good. Im so glad I went, coz it was my dear brother uttsy :)
What bothered me most was the return journey, which again was in the general compartment. And this time it was horrible. Men, pressing and staring. The worst was when we were getting down. About 30 people getting down at dadar, and among all these men us 3 girls. Felt up and shaken.

Accompanied roomie N to phoenix to shop for her boyfriends birthday. Felt slightly lonely then. Wish …

Been thinking of him. And silently shedding tears.

Its been 23 days since I quit. And I intend to keep it up !

That’s it from me. back to office today and back to helping the boss who cant move his finger forget his ass.

My boils back. And hurting.

Im getting extremely grumpy.
*sigh*

Was such a hectic day ! with deadlines brought forward and boss in office after a days sick leave. And then there was Mu. Who kept distracting me. Anyways, seems like tomorrows day will be spent in his company completing some mundane, time consuming work for him. But, im not complaining.

Office seems to take priority with nothing else to do in the late evenings. Life starts when office begins and ends with the same. Been sitting in office late, to avoid being alone at home or with roommates I somehow don’t want to entertain.

The world suddenly seems extremely bitchy. Kr, Ml, Sh, the awesome girl band in office suddenly bitches about one another to me. Who do I trust? Too scared to talk about anyone to anyone.



In this 4 minute phone break while writing this a thread is lost. My moods suddenly a little screwed.
Off then.

Mu looks good. And smells even better. I love the feeling I get from the smell of a guy. And especially when it’s a constant, unchanging smell. I love his touch, so evasive in its longing. And so calculatedly cautious. I love his eyes when he tells me, that I’m beautiful. And his mischievous smile when I blush.
I’m scared of where it can lead me. I know it wont go beyond the stolen glances.
He’s married.
Mu, you are a bastard.

- did i mention, he's better with all girls.

Everyone has an opinion. I get that. These opinions are not in synchronization with mine. I get that too. But just sometimes, it doesn’t feel good to get a reaction; when you don’t want it, don’t need it, and most importantly, don’t ask for it.
The great part about this phase for me is nothing stays long with me. It’s a numb passing. Where I’m actually lost and don’t realize as morning turns to evening and evening to night. Time loses its pace into a prolonged moment. Well, hmm.

But that works only in my feelings for me.

I hate office politics. I hate telling people this. They look at me and smirk, and with their superior air look down at me like what will you know. Too naïve and fresh in this corporate world. True. I agree. And I’m happy learning by myself.. I know I’m 22. Then why should I talk with the experience of 27 year olds? Odd, I say. *bewildered*

So, politics. And friends. I cant separate friends in office as friends in office. And that makes life a little emotionally challenging. It feels like I’m learning new ways of the human mind. And new self preservation measures. It reveals the weaknesses of the ones around me. And their complexes. And then I don’t know whether I should be angry with them or simply sympathise. You see, its not always good for one to be understanding.

my voice

There have been days when I want to talk, and I want someone to listen. And there have been words to say and people who’ll listen. But, I don’t.

So I decided, its time to start my personal diary blog. Where someone will listen, yet no one will know. Because I’m not unhappy and I don’t want to prove it. Because today, I’m at peace with myself and I don’t want to explain it. Because I’ve loved, and still do. And because this fact bothers too many people. For too many reasons, subconscious and some obvious. And because I’ve promised that it’s over, for everyone else. That they wont hear me mention it, again. And because there are moments when I’m too overwhelmed - to be happy, or unhappy.
So this is me. Irrespective of my name.

This is my grey area. Of my failings and weaknesses and my little triumphs and my proud moments. This is my proud father and sensitive mother, my caring sister and my protective brother. My friends who love me. This is everything I wanted, just the way I want it.

Because I live in my dream world. Where I can’t see certain people unhappy. Because I can’t take people who are unfair. My world is not perfect, but in my world, my people are happy. And loved. And they love too. But everyone can’t be the way I want them to, when I want them to. I understand this. I wont expect you to. But what about you? Why do my people tell me to be happy? And when I’m happy, believe I’m happy for the wrong reasons. For loving. And for not expecting love in return.

Life’s unfair. And that bothers me no end.

I’ll sign off now. I’m not depressed or irritated or confused. I simply don’t know why people can’t read the writing on the wall.