I think im broken. And I think im torn.
And just when I need certain people, they are not here for me.

I wish I could cease to exist. Because sometimes its too much to take. And sometimes the tears don’t stop, the eyes get swollen and the head hurts too much.
Sometimes I wish tomorrow wouldn’t come.

Is it possible to miss more than one person at a time? Is it possible … to long for more than one person, at the same time?

Yet again was lost in the past. The evenings of conversations and care. The kind that makes you feel special, loved … O! it’s a feeling … long time back. I’m longing for that voice, and the placating effect of it. Will I ever forget the minute details of that attraction? And then 9th august and 3rd November in itself. The fragrance … and taste of these evenings on my lips. O! Will this memory always extend from beauty to regret? From the purest of feelings, to a sinful degree of lust? Will my most treasured memory always conclude in disgust? I wish there were answers … yes, answers to questions no one knows. It was never love. When will I stop fooling myself?

Talking about longing, it was an evening tinged with fleeting comfort from Vm. Every conversation with him begins looking for something, and concludes with tears. Have I changed, or have you changed Vm? Is it that I now long for certain individuality, and self esteem, I didn’t know of earlier ? Wishes remain wishes and change, undeniable.

The smell mu leaves behind with a passing glance or without, drives me crazy. And I crave for some attention from him, maybe a slight touch, a wink, a pinch, or a compliment. You’ve moved on Mu, to some other girl, someone more attractive I’m sure, and someone … less protected by a fierce set of friends.
* On a lighter note, having been in a relationship with Mu, Sh put up a dog on her pin up board, as she says, symbolizing “no more dogs welcome”. To let him know, she put up a similar one on mine, “stay off her” she means. *
Do I want him to … is the question.

Having said this, maybe you are right Vm. I am not in a position to talk about lovers. And the possibility of lovers being friends once they attain the title of ex-lovers.

Hmm… been there not done that.

And yes, I might as well add, I know what it is to love, and atleast I have that to give, in all honesty. What I don’t know is the feeling of being loved. And that … is because I’ve met guys who don’t have love to give. All they have is big mouths and a lot of lust.

Which makes me wonder what is love, and if at all it exists ?

i seem to be discovering new meanings to the word lonely.

i'm losing faith in people, im losing faith in the world. i don't want this world to make me harsh and selfish. the more i look around me the more i see indifference, or at the most a malicious interest in others life. i Hate working in this organisation. and i have no one to fall back on in this city. love is only a casual word and flirting equivalent to talking.

i feel like im falling,and there is no branch to hold onto. im losing belief ... how will religion help me? im lost in this world of hysteria, an environment of dirt, of politics.
its the feeling you get when you are watching television and the cable fellows electricity goes off. the screen turns into a mesh of black and white lines in random motion.
i see that, i hear that, i feel that. and its grating into me to the core.

will somebody please take the the remote and switch the channel ?
or could you please switch off the tv ?

Very mixed mood.

If i start with facts, been a little unwell the last few days. No, nothing much really. The usual - cough, cold and fever. But, I see it as a big deal coz i took a day's off from office. And thats unusual. So ya. I'm much better now :)

Equations with Nil seem to have reached a moderately cold equilibrium. Where its understood that no one calls us husband and wife, as opposed to our earlier image. Somethings gone amiss. And along with that the fun in our friendship.
*Did you hear me complain ?*

Did something against my own decision earlier this week. Tried calling Vm. In a very wired way. Playing safe, yet getting to hear him. Backfired, ofcourse. What can i say ... I was mising him. And the conversations. And craving for his touch, not knowing what it feels like. Trying to weave some reality into the fantasy he'd created for me. But something in the covo still hurt, still pinched still left unspoken agitation. Is that what repels me, or attracts me ? Is that precisely why he is so irresistible to me? Why i still want a little more... something from the so called relationship. Something half said, something ... somewhere between us. Something left incomplete.
My indecision lies in the fact that i dont believe what i did was wrong. My call. My decision. To stop talking. I dont know. Was i supposed to understand the random need to speak to me. The sudden cold voice. And the distance. And the insecurity, the love you couldnt give me. The commitment i needed ? Yes, the one i didn't get.
Or was it too early to ask all these questions. Was it too early to find answers. To understand a relationship undefined. Was i too harsh ? Or too demanding ? Or simply too much like th several girls you ve seen in your life ? Is that all i will be, another name in the list of girls ...

For me, you will be one more name. A name i loved seeing on my phone. Spelt with a "mm" at the end. A voice that was my comfort, my joy ride and teacher. Of stuff that matters to me. Of passions that define you. You will be special. Just as you were then. I hold the men in my life very dear. And you were a special part. And an integral part, to me being me ... today.

I dont know if i will call you again. I can't say i hope i will, and i cant believe the other.
I dont know why, i keep trying to bury my a part of myself along with memories. Strangely, that precisely my weakness, my inability to let go or forget. And still my decision is always as abrupt and always the same.

Did i mention, I am strange ?

Tomorrow will be the last day of this year. Last day and last night of the most eventful year i have seen so far. A year that started with tears and helplessness now seems to come to an end. On a more reflective and maybe, a little mature understanding of people, or maybe.. just maybe a little better understanding of me. But the problem is, with the passing of another year, my feelings and thoughts seem to have become complex by x + 365.

Why am i evaluating myself on 31st December ? what significance does it hold ... nothing. Except we chose it as an end, and a beginning. So nothing in particular. Just like any other ordinary day, except i think its time to think back.
Now, talking about thinking back, you know... if we don’t stop to think we can simply keep living, happily, on and on. Its when we stop to think and reflect, thats when we begin the whole convolutions of thought. Of self analysis, and of wondering what happened, and Why ?

I ve shifted 3 cities this year. Smoked too often. Got sloshed more than once. Discovered office politics. Endured office politics. Kissed. Liked a married guy. Partied. Lost touch with college friends. Been through depression. Cried. Laughed. Been alone in crowds. Loved being alone. Got my first job. Lost my first love. Met several people off the net. Closed the door on 3 of them. The best.

Realised myself in them. Lost that part with them. Woman, girl, child. Seen my alter egos. In their voice, their words and touch. ‘their’ ! i talk of them in plural, though none could compare with the other. all 3 of you. have been very special to me. in your own ways. Need i explain that? Maybe i do. Because it's over.

Sometimes i wish they were reading this blog. Sometimes i wish ... they knew, i didn’t hurt anyone intentionally. All i did was self preservation. Sometimes i wish ... they knew what each one of them meant to me, individually. And that i haven’t, cant and wont ever forget them, and the relationship i shared with each one of them.

Sometimes i wish ...

Its been an eventful year.
I have my resolutions and hopes for next year all set.
But that will come in a separate post.

Till then ...

It's over ... i guess.


No, it's over. Again.

Once more, i face the dead end, yes, the end before the turn.
The decision before the realisation, again. As i lose one more person in my life, i'll face the fact. i'm not ready to love, yet.

With all the mess thats happening in office, i'll add another setback.

Being alone is killing me. And it's brought back my weakness, my classic milds.
It's been a horrible day. And a terrible evening. This time a teary one. A time of feeling al alone. Of having no ne beside me. No family, no friends. And no phone calls. Seems like the attention for me is wearing off. In a way i am gad Nil. I guess i was getting too dependent on you. And i know it wouldn't last. I dont deserve you, and you don't deserve me. It's time we stopped this before i lose a great friend in you.

Talking about friends, I seem to have lost one in Sr. Not that i cared very much about her. It's just that she seems to have stopped talking to me because of a guy. Believing what he told her about me. And that, is crazy ! It also makes things difficult for Kr. and Mal. Especially when you are leaving Mal. I ll miss you terribly. My first friend i office, and by far my best one here. It's gonna be lonely without you Mal. I wish you werent going. Irrespective of all the politcs you played, and the number of people you got into trouble. O Mal... i'll so miss you. Aur kya kahoon ...

It's a sad evening today ...

Innocence lost, maturity not gained.
I wonder where I lie ...

I don't belong.

Been very on and off.
Today I realized why. 45 days reduced to 20 ?
I don’t know which is worse
…

Life has been a mess. Pretty much screwed up at office. Mu seems hell bent on ruining my reputation. And I seem determined to prove him right. It’s getting nasty. I want to alienate myself from me.

Still don’t know what to feel for Nil, coz I cant figure out if what I am feeling is of my own accord, or out of being told again and again.

Watched my first cd of porn yesterday.
Quite an interesting experience ! Unfortunately for me, it was soft porn; and couldn’t enlighten me as much as I expected it to. *wink*

Too much idle time in the factory yesterday. Spent most of it reliving 3rd November.

Everyday is like a prolonged moment. Everyday is the same. Nothing to look forward to, waiting to skip the day.

“kho naa jaaye ye … tare zameen par”

It's been long. Quite.

Busy weekend. Work, partying. Drinks n smoke. Late nights. My first late night in bombay actually. Starnge. It took me 6 months to come home past 1:30 in bombay, lesser in bangalore.

Being high on saturday was good. High, not drunk. Apologised, and meant it, sincerely.
It was quite a 'guy' day really. Nil called up, from ludhiana. Surprise :)
Heard about me, from Kr, what Mu told Sh. Extremely disgusted.
Was made out to be quite a slut. I'm not blaming no one. I behaved like one.
If I don't think about what he talks about me, I can still feel the pull towards him. Thankfully, I do think about what he's been speaking. And all the time he winks at me, and stares till I blush.
I can be strong now, I guess. And ignore him.

Woke up quite exhausted on sunday. And monday was was even worse. Was so terribly exhausted after very long.
Maybe it was the travelling from powai to juhu, then the day at juhu itself, and then juhu to malad, and malad to dadar. All with tons of weight and an empty house ahead. After ages, cried my self to sleep, exhausted sleep.

I have no idea where it's going with Nil. He's back tomorrow from delhi. Can't wait :) and yet wish to delay it every moment.

Ad, you were right. I'm not ready to love yet. All I've experienced is lust. And attraction. And infatuation.

Sometimes, sometimes I wish I wasn't here, or there. Sometimes, I wish I was nowhere.

I don’t know what I’m doing. With my body, with my life.

The pull for Mu seems to only grow stronger. As the blush of my skin grows deeper with his gaze. And my eyes search him from the first scent of his smell.

“aapki aankhon se
ajab si kashish hai

jo kheenche humme
aapki khushboo ki or

khaamosh si aahat hai
dil bechain hai

ab anjaan hain sab
humari kashmakash se”

It’s wrong. The sooner I accept it the better. And he’s a gambler. Playing. With minds, with bodies. With professions.
I have a lot at stake here.

I see Ni l can be quite charming. And he seems to be at his best.

I’m confused. And I feel more slutty than I’ve ever felt before.

All I hope is it doesn’t end in self hatred.

Been discovering new meanings to the word lonely everyday.

When i come back from office and think about my day, i wish i had someone to talk to. about the minor details of my life. Someone who would be interested in my life, well, almost as interested as me.
I think i need love, and lots of it, and soon.

They say, if you really want something, with all your heart, the entire universe conspires in helping you achieve it. I don't see that happening with me. The more i want something, the more helpless i am forced to become in achieving it. I feel i'm being tested everyday, to see how much of this craving i can take before breaking down.
Like i just told Su, i think we ve been deprived for too long.

Maybe he is simply a major content for this blog for the same reason. Because he's the only memory of love i've felt. Memory, not anticipation.

Why do i chase love away?
And attract men who want me. Physically.

I wonder why this blog is getting to be all about men. I think i am very lonely right now.

And wondering how things went wrong. With Vm. With Jn.

What happens when someone likes you, and likes you much more than you like them. Or could give them? Does that make you a sinner?

And then you like someone. And that someone cant give you. Does that make him the sinner?

If its all about loving someone, and love is all about the intensity of the feeling, and the feeling about expecting nothing in return, why does it still hurt?


Today its the image of the pool table, and the window. The grafitti on the wall and the cigarette.
Yet somewhere within this image. From the body leaning by the window, the hand holding the cigarette i hear him say.

Maybe some years down i ll smile and read this blog. Maybe few years later, the name wont vibrate in me with his thought. Maybe. Few years later.

"naam gum jaayega
chehra ye badal jaayega

meri awaaz hi pehchaan hai
gar, yaad rahe"

You see, it all started with the voice.